Today has been tricky. It is Monday, so I worked all day today. I printed out a picture of you and hung it on my board at work. I also found the charm on my charm bracelet that my mom gave to me years ago - I put it on a chain and am wearing it around my neck. The picture and the charm helped me to remember you today and I was able to keep my composure all day - even when my sweet work family gave me flowers and a card.
And then I came home. Your daddy is at work tonight. He was home with me for a few minutes and things were good, but then he left, and then my TV show ended and it was quiet, and then I got sad again. I started folding the laundry and I found the sweatshirt that I was wearing the last time we snuggled. I cried as I put it on a hangar and kept on folding clothes. And then I found the blanket that we used the last time we snuggled. I cried harder and I haven't been able to stop.
Last Thursday night. That was the last time you laid on my chest. We snuggled a lot that night because daddy worked until midnight and we were waiting for him to get home. I watched 'New Girl' and giggled a lot because it is very funny and you slept on my chest for a long while. You looked so adorable that I took these pictures of us.
My mind keeps going back to that night. I keep thinking about what I would have done differently if I would have seen you struggling before I went to bed. I would have slept down stairs. I would have lifted you on to the couch and comforted you through the night. I would have been there with you instead of upstairs in my bed. I wish that I would have been there with you as you started feeling bad. I'm sorry that I wasn't there to help you.
Today at work I told a few of the little girls that I thought I saw you grow some wings when you went to Heaven. I believe that is where you are so strongly and I hope that you have someone to drool on and snuggle with and play fetch with - just remember that you love me the most.
Missing you and loving you,
Mommy
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